The Red Line

Prom

2005-05-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

Prom was extremely fun and made me sooo happy. I can't even tell you everything, but just know that it was one of the best things that could have happened.

My hair was absolutely beautiful, if I do say so myself. I got it done at the Ultimate, one of the most pampering salons there is. Once I get my pictures up, I'll be sure to add a link to them. Dinner was delicious and entertaining, as Ginza of Tokyo always is. The actual dance was fun. I kept seeing a certain couple, even though I tried to avoid them, and it was so hard seeing them together. It hurt so much. Everything else was wonderful, though: I got to talk with all of my friends, see people I hadn't been around for a while, and the Court ceremony was very nice. Of course I didn't make queen or princess, but what do you expect when Lauren Brown is on Court, too? My default escort was lots of fun, though - we knew we should have made king and queen!

Post-prom at Pooley's wasn't as much fun at first... I was extremely tired, so tired I could barely eat one piece of pizza. After an hour, though, I woke up and started having a blast. Karaoke was so much fun: If I Had a Million Dollars, Lady Marmalade, It's Raining Men, and Siharath rapping to Ice Ice Baby - that was quite hilarious. Really, you've never lived until you've seen Siharath rap.

After post-prom is when we start getting into the things I can't really discuss here, but I can say that I went to Tyler's with our original prom group for a little bit, and then headed to Zoe's to hang out in her hot tub with Maddy and Byron, and then Chaz showed up a little later on. We went to Denny's at 5, and then attempted to sleep all crammed on Zoe's bed. If I slept at all, it was only for half of an hour. My hair was still bobby-pinned up, Chaz found it hard to stay quiet after about an hour, and we were too close to each other to move around and get comfortable enough to sleep. Needless to say, I was extremely tired when we finally got up near noon on Sunday, although I was also extremely happy and only a tad upset that I didn't have something that I wanted so much... I just have to wait for that, though. It hurts, but I know that I'll get it back at some point. From what was said and how comfortable we were to what's been said lately, I know that it won't just fade away. I don't think it ever could.

Court

2005-05-05T18:20:00.000-05:00

When I first found this out, I felt kind of... old school girly. I totally was not expecting it, so I wasn't very excited at first. Now, however, I really am happy about it.

I was nominated for Prom Court!

There are about 30 other nominees, however, and those are just the girls. I honestly doubt that I'll make Court, but it's still really nice to be recognized like this. I'm really starting to want to make it on to Court, though. Since they'll be making me dress up for the pep rally next week and sit in the designated area of the bleachers for Prom Court nominees, I really don't want to go through the disappointment (and humiliation) of not being chosen and having to stay at the end of the spec gym... Not chosen... I don't like the idea of that.

But, really, there are 30 other girls! What if I was just one of the add-ons who didn't get many votes at all, but they needed because they wanted more nominees to choose from? I hope it's not that... Everyone who's seen that I made nominees has been really excited for me... But I still don't know anything for sure. Oh well, I guess all I can do is wait and see. We're voting for Court tomorrow... Hopefully it all works out for me.

Now I'm off to do the load of history homework I have tonight. Stupid Franco.

Troubled Heart

2005-05-02T20:01:00.000-05:00

Wow, haven't been here in a while. I've been pretty busy, and if I didn't have anything to do, I took the time to relax. All I want to do right now is sleep. I don't want to deal with everything that's going on inside me right now, but since I can't sleep yet, I'll vent it all here.

The Cake concert was extremely amazing. Gomez opened for them, and they're now a favorite new band of mine. As for the Cake performance, there are now words. I loved it so much. Besides the excellent entertainment, I was there with some of the best people to hang out with: B, C, and Z. They made the night that much better.

On the way to the concert, B and I got a chance to finally talk. We talked about us, about him and Be, about Br and I, back to us, then to what we had, and finally what I thought it could have been. We never really covered what he thought it could have turned in to, or why he ended it, although I definitely know that he still has feelings for me, and I for him. So many times during the night, we got to the point of almost kissing. We would just be standing there, or sitting, so close, and for a moment we both knew what we wanted, but then someone would turn away or reality would come back. That hurt. It hurt so much seeing the barriers I had finally put up just torn away so easily by a simple glance or touch from B. All I want is to be with him, and to finally be happy again.

This week some guys have "hit on me" in the flirty, uncertain way guys do when they don't want to totally freak you out. I've discovered that Br might have more feelings for me than he's letting on, but I've decided to just ignore that - I have no interest in being anything more than friends with him. Over the weekend I spent some time with a few guys, and I know, if I was only around them more, I'd have fallen for them by now. With a couple of those guys, I might even be able to forget about B, but these relationships are completely impossible, for a number of reasons. Just today, a guy at school who I barely know, but had a great time with during a school trip, told me he'd give me a call later on. All of this is going on, and yet all I can think about is B. I know that I should try again to get over him, find someone else to replace him, take chances to see if I could get lucky enough to find someone better, but I really don't want to. I know that B and I still have something, even if he did leave me for Be, and I honestly feel as if we could have a chance again later on. Maybe it's just a desperate hope that I've turned into something I expect from him, but I hope not.

I was so happy with him, I still feel so much for him, and he still feels, at the very least, something for me - I don't want to lose that.

Une Examen

2005-04-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Rachel
2. Rach
3. Darken

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. red_gurl[insert some numbers here]
2. raeliz32
3. I think I've only had 2...

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My eyes
2. My musical abilities
3. My hands

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My feet
2. My lack of athleticism
3. My teeth

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Spiders
2. Heights
3. Dying

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Orange juice
2. Chapstick
3. Laughter

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. My sexy jeans
2. A black sweater
3. Comfy white slippers

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. Cake
2. Keane
3. The Killers

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Cake - Never There
2. Keane - the entire "Hopes and Fears" album
3. The Killers - Everything Will Be Alright

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT YEAR:
1. Skinny dipping
2. Escargot
3. True sushi

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Devotion
2. Passion
3. Excitement

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I have eaten fish eggs - and liked it.
2. I'm slightly masochistic.
3. I have survived a day without any sleep the night before.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Hands
3. Hair

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Plainly show someone outside of the family that they annoy me.
2. Draw.
3. Play any sport well.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Singing
2. Playing Piano
3. Making movies

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Get my bellybutton pierced
2. Finally get my license
3. Find someone better

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Director (as in movies)
2. Editor (again, as in movies)
3. Something with French, though not a teacher

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Europe
2. Africa
3. The rest of the world

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Aidan
2. Amiond
3. I've never thought of a third name... Perhaps Belle

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. See the world
2. Find true love
3. Make a movie that is shown around the world

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY:
1. You
2. Your evil twin
3. Your shadow

Cake

2005-04-20T21:22:00.000-05:00

Best. News. Ever.

If you don't know the band Cake, you are seriously missing out.

They're coming to the Orpheum on Wednesday!! Here! And guess who has tickets? Moi!

You have no idea how amazingly incredibly wicked this is. I've loved Cake forever. And I get to go to their only Wisconsin appearance with some of my greatest friends!

You know, I wonder if this is fate's way of making up for the pain it gave me so recently. If it is, I think I would have rather had the relationship than the pain, even if the pain did end up bringing me Cake. Of course, that's all weird Rachel-theory...

Please continue with your everyday lives.

Bring It All Back

2005-04-16T12:47:00.000-05:00

Last night was Julia's party, which was a fun way to spend my only free night this weekend. (Major essay due Monday that I still have to start...) There was pizza with barbecue sauce - the only way to eat pizza, cake, and orange juice for me! Yum. We played poker, made a maze for her hamster to work through, went to the park down the street, and watched most of Reign of Fire before we had to leave.

B and I got lots of chances to talk, which was good for me. The only thing is, he kept bringing up things from the past, such as me still owing him 3 or 4 from the car rides he gave me way back when. (Most of you won't understand that... Sorry.) And then, in front of Br, he'd bring up what he taught me, or what we did together, and then not-really-all-that-discreetly cover it with some phrase like "Oh, I taught her poker."

Why would he be doing this?? Does he think that I'm completely over him and it's okay to bring all of that back? Does he just want to mess with my head? Is he perhaps not completely over me? Doesn't he realize that I don't think I'll never not have feelings for him? And why is he trying to push Br on me? Will it help his guilt if he thinks I'm with someone else? I'm sorry, but Br is not the guy for me, as fun and sweet as he is. I just don't have feelings for him. I honestly think B should realize that, especially considering I fell for him, and he and Br are not exactly the same kind of guys.

God I hate this. I really do want to get over B, but I really think it's impossible now. I just need a guy who can show me that everything can be better than how it was with B, and I don't think Br can do that. Yes, I'll go to prom with him, but just as friends. I don't think he can be the sweet, caring, funny, devoted, and comfortable guy that I need.

I really wish that guy would suddenly appear...

Green Shorts

2005-04-10T17:12:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd share the outfit I'm currently wearing...

Green shorts, my black, lace-edged tank top, and my big, white, comfy slippers.
So fashionable.

So yesterday was a blast. It started with me taking the ACT (which I was almost late to!). The test seemed to go alright. I'm interested to see what score I'll get. Then when I got home, I ate lunch and took a nap, even though my bestest Laura was there at my mom's Stampin' Up party. She left before I finally woke up after having some crazy dreams, which made me sad - I hardly get to see her much anymore. Then some of my friends stopped by with a movie proposition for me: they want me to act a part in their vampire action movie. It should be interesting, if not fun. They've got the fight scenes choreographed already, characters picked out, and Timm is working on the script. We'll see how it goes.

I ended up hanging with all of them last night, which really was quite fun. I met two new friends, Whit and Kayla, signed Nato's wall, did love fortunes for them, ate more pizza, had a little fun at the Dream Park swinging and looking at the stars, and then rode with Farmer in Driver's trunk over speed bumps. Fun, but I really should have been working on my English load of homework. Now I have half of a book to finish tonight. Lovely.

Nato, I still have your jacket.

Sighing

2005-04-08T19:39:00.000-05:00

Hmm, not much is happening, although I thought I'd update anyway. Silly Rachel.

Let's see... This week was pretty freaking long. Full day on Monday, exams Tuesday and Wednesday, new quarter on Thursday, and then another full day on Friday. My new classes are...okay. Aerobics seems like it will be fun, but America Since '45 really doesn't. I've got Franco, and even though he's kind of cool as a person, I'm not really getting into his teaching skills that much. Dude, 40% of our grade will be a research project that we're making into webpages. Fine, that's a different type of project, but 40% of our grade? Tests are only 10%! Cool in one way, not so cool in all the others.

*big sigh*

I'm taking the ACT tomorrow for the first time. I did pretty well on the PSAT, but that was the PSAT, not the PACT, or whatever the pre-ACT test is called. I'm really scared. I hate taking standardized tests. Besides the ACT, I've got a load of work to get through this weekend if I want to survive next week in any way, and all I want to do is hang out with my friends in order to get my mind off certain B's.

*another long sigh*

I've been told that a certain B might be planning to ask me to prom... I've had people bluntly ask me right off if he's asked me yet. It's kind of funny, actually. No hello, just "Has B asked you to prom?" Ha. I really wouldn't mind going with him. He's a really nice guy - funny. The only thing is that B seems to be pushing me to go with him, as if I go on some form of a date with another guy I'll immediately get over what he did to me. No such luck, B. If it was that easy, I'd definitely have fixed the problem YOU caused me a while ago.

'Til Her Garters Break

2005-04-04T14:22:00.000-05:00

I'm extremely bored right now. I'm in the middle of Computer Lit - wait, no, it's not even the middle of the class yet. We're only 20 minutes in to it. Oh god, these are days when I hate having a block schedule.

Tonight's the choir concert, and may I just say, my Chicago outfit is sexy. I'm not one of the girls wearing fishnets - black stretch pants for me, but my shirt is quite hot. It looks like lingerie - a black tank top with a solid chest area and gauzy, sheer fabric that's kind of poofy the rest of the way down. Ooo, I can't wait!

Just an update for those who know the situation: I'm past the sulky stage. I still feel unloved and worthless, but I'm no longer wishing for anyone to come back into my life. I've gotten to the point where I'm pissed at B and starting to get pissed at the other B. She's been throwing things in my face lately (no, not literally) and criticizing how I look or what I'm doing. Maybe she's not purposefully doing it to hurt me. Hell, maybe she feels more comfortable with me after all of this. Who knows? All I know is that I'm getting annoyed and pissed off at the situation.

God, I wish someone new would just sweep into my life and make everything better. That would just be wonderful.

Sexay

2005-04-03T12:34:00.000-05:00

Things have been getting a little easier. It's still really hard, but my friends have been amazing, helping me out even if I haven't told them why I need them to be there for me. Thank you so much - you have no idea how much I love you all.

Things are starting to wind down for this year. Dude, I'm already starting to get senioritis, and I've still got this summer to get through before my senior year! I'm thinking about possible colleges more and more, and I just can't wait to get out of this house finally, our of the state. There's no way I'm going to school in Wisconsin.

There's a choir concert tomorrow night - should be fun. I get to pull a red scarf from my shirt. Ah! And, ooo, I can't wait to wear my new jeans. I personally think they're sexay!

Can you tell I'm extremely random today?

I need to find a date to prom. Any takers?

Pain

2005-03-31T18:26:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was one of the hardest days for me. I found out something that I had been expecting, but anything like that is always hard to deal with, hard to move on from. And to make it worse, not only was I hurting from the situation, I was hurt by the fact that no one bothered to tell me to my face what was going on. One person in particular didn't tell me, and that's the only person who really should have told me before the entire school knew, especially if he truly respects me as much as he tells me he does. Fine, let him go off and be happy, let me hurt and eventually move on, be better for the pain. But at least give me the respect I deserve by telling me to my face what's happening and why you're choosing to hurt me.

It's easier to take during the day when I'm surrounded by my friends and they're there to make sure I know they care for me. But at home I can't fight the sadness as easily, and every once in a while tears threaten to escape. I wish so badly that I had someone who could be strong for me and help make the pain finally disappear, but there's no one I can really talk to about this, and no one is going to suddenly appear in my life and make it all better. I have to bear it all alone.

It's so hard.

Lovely

2005-03-29T19:09:00.000-06:00

So, today wasn't so bad after all. Show choir was fun, even with the realization that the concert is less than a week away. English was alright, and we got a really interesting assignment. We're making a class quilt (which, all on its own, truly amazes me - Washa continues to surprise me this semester), and each square will represent an individual person in the class using objects they've collected to demonstrate seven different aspects about them. This is the kind of assignment that I think is fun: different and personal. I can't wait to put it all together. While at Sennett I got a chance to play MASH by myself, which was kind of boring, and do a double-circle activity with the 6th graders. In Child Dev. we did art projects all hour - extremely fun. And Computer Lit was it's normal, boring self.

And I'm sure hearing about my classes totally thrills you.

On a more interesting note, I received a letter today from the Wisconsin National Teenager Pageant inviting me to send in an entry form. It's not a regular beauty pageant - the girls are judged on scholastic achievement, leadership, volunteerism, and communication, but they also judge some of the regular pageant-y things: poise, personality, presentation on stage, grooming, and an interview. Well, I won't be sending in my entry form, because if I'm accepted as a finalist I'm required to attend the Wisconsin pageant - not something I'd like to do. It's still nice, though, to know that I was thought of as a possible contestant. Just think... If I could win the pageant, I would be the reigning Wisconsin National Teenager, and go on to the National pageant!

Ha! In my dreams...

Spring Day

2005-03-28T16:09:00.000-06:00

It's finally warm here. FINALLY. It used to be 40s, snow still melting on the ground... And now - around 60 degree highs. I'm in heaven! Sort of.

I really don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I'm finally having a spring break. My cousins left yesterday after being here for a week, and as much as I love them, it was as if I couldn't do anything while they were here. Rosalie and I couldn't go out and do much because then Whitney and my little cousin Courtney would be left home alone, and that's not all that great. So we ended up lounging around the house watching movies and reading for entire days, not that I'm complaining about that, but I really wanted to get out and do something. Saturday we went shopping down on State St, but I was craving to do more.

Oh well. Now I have to get back in to the routine of school and deal with all of the drama, confusion, and uncertainty that is my social life at this point. God I love high school.

C'est nouveau...

2005-03-24T18:16:00.000-06:00

My new blog!

I'm currently working on the design, and once I'm fully satisfied I'll start posting as regularly as possible.

Hopefully it won't take too long...